Relativity and Quantum Physics Humor. Compiled by: Professor Reinhard Schumacher Department of Physics Carnegie Mellon University schumacher@cmu.edu "Literature" references included, if I can find them. Last Update: 1-6-2015 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. (Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually the late Ralph Boas]. Theoretical Physics Methods 1) The Dirac method We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader. 2) The Schroedinger method At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait. 3) The Quantum Measurement Method We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage. 4) The nuclear physics method Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator, exchanging spins. 5) The Newton method Cage and lion attract each other with the gravitation force. We neglect the friction. This way the lion will arive sooner or later in the cage. 6) The Special relativistic method One moves over the desert with light velocity. The relativistic length contraction makes the lion flat as paper. One takes it, rolls it up and puts a rubber band around the lion. 7) The general relativistic method All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger. 8) The Heisenberg method Position and Velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same time. As moving lions have no physical meaningful position in the desert, one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as an exercise for the reader. Experimental Physics Methods 1) The thermodynamics method We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert. 2) The atomic fission method We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. 3) The magneto-optical method We plant a large, lens shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lens. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted from the New England Section of the American Physical Society Newsletter, v. 11 No.6, pg7 | me> I'm in a state. | > me I'm out of state. |anxious> etc. |catatonic> etc. | moi > King Louis IV e+ ---> <--- e- Fatal Attraction ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the New England Section of the American Physical Society Newsletter, v. 11 No.6, pg5 A lot of people fail to appreciate the humor in the special theory of relativity. To me it's a laugh riot. Take the concept of simultaneity. For many pairs of events, there are different inertial frames in which event A occurs first, or, on the contrary, event B occurs first. So you can imagine two kids fighting, and each one says "Well, in my inertial frame he started it." The sensible parent says "In my interial frame you both started it." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a lady named Bright, Whose speed was much faster than light. She left home one day, In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- During the French revolution, a lawyer, a priest, and a physicist are due to be guillotined. The lawyer is asked whether he wants to be executed face up or face down. "These proceedings are completely illegal, and I don't want to see what's happening. Face down!" As the blade comes down it suddenly sticks and stops half way. The law states that if the blade fails to fall on the first try then the condemned person is set free. So the lawyer walks out a free man. The priest is asked the same question. "I want to see heaven as I die. Face up!" As the blade comes down it sticks again and stops half way. So the priest is freed. The physicist is asked the same question. "Look," he declares, "it can't possibly make any difference if I'm face up or face down, so I'll just say face up." As he is put onto the guillotine he looks up at the device, and then says, "Wait a minute, I think I see your problem..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Physicists' Bill of Rights (Author Unknown) We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations: 1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases. 2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it). 3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers. 4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical." 5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, und andere schweinhund. 6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians. 7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway." 8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will not work. 9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public. 10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer. 11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality. 12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs. 13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I once had a Heisenbergmobile, but every time I looked at the speedometer, I got lost. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discovery of Administratium The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by a scio-physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately four years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes an internal reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons, exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after such reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at all levels of concentration. If it is allowed to accumulate, it can easily destroy productive reactions. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted from the APS News, October 1998: Physics bumper stickers that everyone understands: Flirt harder - I'm a physicist. Physicicts do it... with a Big Bang... relatively well... with gravity... Bumper stickers that only physicists and a few others understand: If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast. [on a red sticker, of course] Don't drink and derive. Physicicts do it... discretely... with uncertainty... in Super- Positions... Honk if you love phonons. Maxwell's Little Demon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted from the APS News, probably 1998, (off the subject of Quantum and Relativity, but funny): Why God never obtained TENURE: .She had only one major publication. .It was in hebrew. .It had no references. .In wasn't published in a refereed journal. .Some even doubt he wrote it himself. .It may be true she created the world, but what has she done since then? .His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. .The scientific community has had a hard time replicating her results. .He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. .When one experiment went awry she tried to cover it by drowning her subjects. .When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. .She rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. .Some say he had his son teach the class. .She expelled her first two students for learning. .Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. .Her office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. .No record of working well with colleagues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pretty lame humor, eh? If you've got any physics-related jokes that can compete with these examples,forward them to schumacher@cmu.edu, and they will be added here.